If you’ve ever found yourself setting relatively realistic goals like reading more, hitting up the gym, trying to eat healthier, only to fall off track, you’re not alone. I promise.
You know all of the things that would help you get to the place you want to be, but for some reason there’s always some kind set-back.
Here are some examples:
ONE: You’re feeling off. Sluggish, fatigued, no mental clarity, and you know that incorporating more movement into your life would make a huge difference. So you set-up a new fitness routine.
You set the goal (energy, mood, weight loss, etc.) and all of the objectives to help you get there (run 2x/week, walk 10,000 steps/day, class 2x/week). You’re 1 week in and going strong but Sunday night you step on the scale or try on your skinny jeans and they don’t fit.
OR
TWO: It’s New Year’s Eve, and you want to be more intellectual, so you commit to reading a new book every month. Two weeks go by and you haven’t even picked out a title, so you decide you’ve failed and give up.
What gives? You’ve been so committed to achieving this goal and followed your plan to a t!
This happens to everyone because of:
Self-sabatoge.
Losing hope too quickly.
Trying something new outside your comfort zone.
We often look for immediate gratification in achieving our goals, but anything good takes time and practice. You can’t expect to be a bonafide yogi after one class, run a marathon after your first jog, or enjoy diving into a book after 10 pages, but that doesn’t mean you should put it down.
Simply setting goals helps to put ourselves in a growth mindset, which is motivating in and of itself. It tells our brain ‘I want more’; ‘I’d like this to be more present in my life’; ‘I see beyond the status quo’. When we give up too soon, we tell ourselves we’re not capable.
When it comes to fearing failure, I totally get it, but failure can be the foundation for success, which is why I like to try to see failure as opportunity. It helps us learn what works and what doesn’t, expand our problem solving skills by finding new ways of thinking, and find gratitude for the things that do work. You might even find that your best self comes out of a so-called failure.
But I get it, it’s scary to pursue something new; to push outside your comfort zone; to break existing habits; and of course, the idea of it not working out the way you want.
It’s even more scary and seemingly unattainable when you’re trying to do it alone.
Richard Branson’s company Virgin is famous for incorporating a sense of togetherness. They say,
Togetherness is a hugely important aspect of life. It unites us, gives us security, much-needed support and a sense of belonging, and encourages us to love one another.
Studies show that when you’re held accountable for your goals, you’re much more likely to achieve them. Beyond achievement, I think it’s way more fun to do things together than alone (most of the time!). It can even increase your overall well-being by reducing stress and anxiety and increase coping skills. We’re naturally hardwired to want to connect with other people who are similar to us.
For me, there’s something so uplifting and energizing about being around people who ‘get me’. Having an accountability partner or a community of people who support me helps me feel more secure in ‘going for it’; makes me less likely to self-sabotage or make up excuses for why I shouldn’t do something; tells me that ‘it’s okay’; and helps me follow through.
Needing accountability and support doesn’t mean that we’re not self-starters or unmotivated because we can’t seem to hold ourselves accountable. It just means you’re human! These emotions and feelings are totally natural. In one sense, I think it shows how committed you are to your goals because accomplishing things alone is hard!
Think of it this way, even the most successful people need this in their lives. The world’s best CEO’s and business owners have coaches and focus groups to support their initiatives and ideas.
If ‘knowing what I need to do but having a hard time actually doing it’ sounds like you, maybe all you need is a little bit of uplifting, energetic community support.
A few ways I like to find support and hold myself accountable:
- Stating my goals & plan out loud to someone – even just on social media or in my newsletter
- Book club
- NYRR Community Run Club
- Going to a workout class with a friend
- Meal planning & chatting about eating well
- Meeting new people with similar interests as myself
- Ask someone to check-in with me once per week to see if I’m meditating each day
I find that as we get older, seeking support, community or an accountability partner outside of our romantic relationships isn’t always easy. Life is busy, everyone has their own lives, and as we get older our interests can diverge a bit from that of our closest friends. This is why I seek out meet-ups and events that are unique to my specific passions. My best friends will always be my best friends but maybe they don’t want to talk as in-depth about some of the things that I love and that’s totally cool – there’s always space to meet new people.
If you’re new to a city, I recommend checking out Danielle Moss’s ‘find a friend’ post!
Here are 5 steps to seeking support, community & accountability
Understand what Motivates You
Before you start thinking about what your goals are, you should understand how you’re personally motivated. What I mean by motivated is how and when you’re compelled to take action.
Everyone is different. Some people are highly intrinsically motivated and others are more motivated by external forces – neither is good or bad and you likely fall somewhere in the middle.
For me personally, there are certain things that I can motivate myself to do pretty easily simply because I enjoy doing them like exercising and cooking. While picking up a new book or recording for the podcast I want to start don’t seem to happen quite as easily.
The things that don’t come as easily are just things that aren’t habit for me or things that I don’t know a lot about already; the things that will take more time and energy.
Define Your Why
WHY is one of my most important core values. I so deeply believe that having a real why behind everything we do makes us more successful, present, and conscious. Understanding your why and being in alignment with your actions will also help you attract the right group, community, or partner.
Having a why helps you create a vision of what you want your life to look like and visualizing can be a really powerful tool in manifesting and ultimately cultivating your dreams.
Defining your why is multifold. Here’s how I like to think of it:
I want to start meditating because it will: help me relax, feel at ease, give me a more peaceful energy, move through the day with more grace, and improve cognitive function.
When I do this, I will be able to achieve: a greater sense of self-love and satisfaction because I will be more present.
I will know this is successful when I’m meditating 5 days a week for at least 5 minutes.
Start Being Open About Your Goals & Desires
People are not mind readers, so they don’t know that you feel so passionate about watercolor painting so you’re making it a goal to sit down once a week for an hour to paint.
When you start putting your goals and desires out there into the universe you’re making a bold statement. You’re saying, ‘this is what I want.’ A few things will start to happen:
- You’ll start having new and exciting conversations about these topics
- You might start to notice yourself acting differently in ways that are more aligned with these goals
- You’ll be more likely to meet people who share your same dreams who are maybe too afraid to talk about it
Seek a Community, Partner or Group
Your partner could be in the form a coach, a parent, a sibling, a friend, an acquaintance, or even a group of people. Once you determine who you want this person to be ask them if they want to help you or even join you in the challenge.
When I was out visiting my friend in San Diego we decided to do a yoga challenge for the month of June. It was simple, we had to do yoga 12x during June. Once I left we couldn’t go together, but just knowing that she was doing her own challenge while I was doing mine was so motivating!
Another time, my friends and I decided to do a 3-day detox…misery loves company? So I prepped meals for each of us for 3 days. It wasn’t a hard challenge per se but I missed my morning coffee. Being able to text the girls for motivation to make it through the day was so helpful!
And, this summer I went to my first ever group training run. I’ve never done speed work, hills or tempo runs and probably never would have pursued it without this type of group!
Find Different Partners for Different Goals
While it might feel easy to ask your best friend to hold you accountable for everything, in reality, it’s probably not going to work. You have to find people who can really understand your why and align with your core values. Someone who you feel comfortable being completely open and transparent with about where you’re at.
I wouldn’t ask my friend who hates yoga to do a yoga challenge with me, ya know?
So choose your partners with these questions in mind:
Will they understand my why?
Will I be able to open up to them about it and not feel judged?
Are they someone I am motivated by?
Once you get going and start seeing results, you might find that you need less accountability. It’s kind of like muscle memory – just knowing how good it feels will be motivation enough!
Have you ever used an accountability partner or support group to achieve your goals?
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